The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
