should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
