all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
