I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
