Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
