life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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