mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
