dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
