woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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