Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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