Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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