I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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