I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
