my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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