Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
