I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she smelled like a LAN party
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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