Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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