Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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