The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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