What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
