gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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