the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
