Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
