I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
