He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
