He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
