you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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