So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Boobs are out for the taking
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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