these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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