You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Enjoy the penises
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
