I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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