Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
