I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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