Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
