the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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