chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
