You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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