It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
