i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
