What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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