i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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