I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
