Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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