see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
