On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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