I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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