I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
