The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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