have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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