Soap is not a condiment
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
